My Interview with the Cherub

by Janine Baker for
The Optimal Functioning© Institute

So you're really an angel?

A cherub, actually.

Aren't they the same?

Hardly. Angels have better bodies-they're statuesque, broad shouldered. They look great in robes and gowns. Cherubs are … well, let me step into the light.

See? Cute, chubby, buck-naked, genitally-undetermined.

No trappings.

You do have that little back-pack …

Sure, those are my pink and red love arrows. I'm Cupid.

You're kidding! You're really HIM?

Yep. Is the interview over?

No, no! This is a once in a lifetime chance. I want to ask so much!
Like what is the meaning of love?

Good one. But maybe I could tell my story first. Have you got enough disk space there?

Yes. I've got boxes of disks! You talk and I'll type.

Now way back at the beginning of things the world was much smaller. Like most cherubs, I started out as a human resources entrepreneur- mostly flying around, spreading a little hope, smiling on mortals.

But I had a really hard time with the hovering.

Hovering?

Yeah. Just-well, hovering. Mid-air over sleeping childrens' beds. The other cherubs said it was part of the job, so I thought I had to include it too.

B-O-R-I-N-G!! I kept getting distracted and I'd start looking around for something to DO! Maybe I'd re-arrange the kid's toy chest, or sharpen his crayons. Harmless enough, right? 'Til the time I took down a whole bunch of messy stuff from a bookshelf. I was gonna' arrange the stuffed animals by species. But daylight came before I knew it! We cherubs were supposed to be gone by daylight. It's part of the code. Don't want to frighten the children and all.

That poor kid got in a lot of trouble.

After that, I just couldn't handle Sleeping Children Patrol. I thought maybe my skills needed work, so I enrolled myself in a training course given by Voc-Rehab.

If I thought hovering was boring, school was torture!

I couldn't sit still. They said I wouldn't listen. I tried! I asked questions to keep myself awake but they said I interrupted. I doodled to keep my hands busy -- but then they said I refused to pay attention. By that time I was starting to get an attitude.

You became a troublemaker?

No! That's just what everyone said-and worse! One day I overheard a teacher complaining about another cherub. The supervisor replied, "Well, from what you've told me, that student must be either lazy, crazy, or Cupid." I just couldn't shake my reputation.

Soon after that it happened. The dreaded decision I vowed I'd never make. I took a job. Working weddings!

See, at that time most marriages were "arranged" and usually loveless. So this job (oh whoop-dee-doo) was to hold a red bow and shoot one pink arrow into the hapless couple so they'd feel some affection for each other. Cherub arrows can do that.

Yeah, it was nice to be doing something good-but where was my creativity? The sense of adventure? The risk? Another day, another arrow. Day in and day out.

Then one day I was late getting to a wedding. (Okay, most days I was late-nobody gives good directions! - but this day I was really, really late.) I flew in the window in such a hurry that my quiver slipped off my shoulder, and a few dozen arrows fell and landed on the guests! In a matter of minutes the adrenaline in that church made me look calm!

It seemed that one little pink arrow could produce affection, but two could cause downright passion! We practically had an orgy right there in the church. Love was rocking, and I had found my niche. I had an idea that could get me back out on my own.

Why limit this power to couples at the altar? Everybody likes to be in love! I just had to figure out the best angle.

I started my market research: I flew through air picking out likely candidates, pairing them up just to test the effect. I became obsessed with trying out a triple dose. I'm normally opposed to animal testing, but I figured I should do a test on something bigger than a human. I spotted a beautiful chestnut filly near a stable and a really handsome stud out to pasture. I got distracted just as I let the arrow fly and hit Billy the donkey.

That's where the first mule came from. Seems nothin' can resist the power of three arrows!

I did my first human tests. Actually had to turn volunteers away from the Optimize Your Relationship Institute! Then they started paying for the stuff.

These arrows were amazing!

Mortals were falling in love right and left. It was the dawn of the Renaissance, and times looked good. My business took off like a rocket. But my distractibility started getting the best of me. I made a mistake or two.

Or three.

Word got out that Cupid's approach was "Ready-Fire-Aim." See, folks were fallin love all right but, as you may have noticed, it wasn't always the best match. Didn't really matter to the happy couple. At least at first! Seems that eventually the magic from the arrows starts to wear off.

In short, I'm offering an explanation for that common mortal experience of sitting quietly in a room with a mate of many years, and suddenly wondering" Who the hell IS this person?!"

Yep. Courtesy of yours truly. And the more arrows I used, the faster it wore off!

People started asking for their money back. The Institute folded. I started giving out free samples, but people ran for cover when I was rumored to be nearby.

What was wrong with me? Why did I leap before I looked?

Sounds like you had some kind of ADD.

What's a "dee-dee?"

ADD. Attention Deficit Disorder. It's a neuro-biological disorder that has distractibility and impulsivity as two of its identifying features. I'm doing an article on it .

That's like what Ol' Ed said!! Only in simpler words.

Who's Ol' Ed?

Ed Valentine. He was the best friend I ever had. We met on his farm on February 14th. I was hiding out and feeling more hopeless than ever. I despaired of ever finding out what I was meant to do. I asked if Ol' Ed needed a farm-hand, but he took one look at me and said he didn't think I was right for the job.

I started to cry. I told him that I just couldn't do anything right because I was… I was… I was so bad off I didn't even know WHAT I WAS!

Ol' Ed just listened. Then when he said maybe I just marched to a different drummer and something I didn't quite get about a shoe and a foot. But it was the first real encouragement I'd ever gotten. He also said, "There's no situation so bad that it can't be made better."

Now that was just goofy enough to make sense to me, and for the first time ever I asked for someone's help. He worked with me as my business coach -encouraging me, guiding me, helping me to develop systems to work around the stuff I didn't do so well.

It was Ol' Ed's idea to pick a day once a year, the day we met, to try to FIX all the love mishaps that my hasty enthusiasm (and poor aim) had created. He suggested we send cards, flowers, candy to the victims -- any token of romance to make someone feel special, kinda' like reparations to make amends for any rifts that had occurred. Added value, he called it.

Would you believe that every recipient just assumed the token was from their beloved, and the beloveds had the audacity to keep their mouth's shut and take the credit! I was wild! Seems like nothin' I did ever turned outright.

Ol' Ed asked how I could make the present perfect. Lemonade outa' lemons and all.

Well, it occurred to me if I could corner the market on the love tokens and actually get the beloveds to BUY these things and send them themselves, I'd have a ready made market niche that would pay ME to clean up any mess I made with the arrow business.

It was a terrific idea and I was back in business. Folks started sending the things to each other, and the rest is Hallmark history! Ed also taught me how to be a bit more focused rather than just shooting blind. We came up with a whole raft of systems to deal with transition time, planning, record-keeping. Lotsa' neat stuff.

Ed coached me through all of it. Patience of a saint, he had.

Well, that's what the Big Guy thought, too. So 2/14 was named after him, and I keep the work going in his name. Oh, once in a while some other cherub jumps into the business but for some reason I still keep gettin' the credit because I created the original materials. Every once in a while they try to get rid of me altogether, but I think my job's pretty secure thanks to the Holiday Heroes With Disabilities Act - Santa Claus championed that one. Who would've thought that Cupid the Hopeless would end up like this?! So that's my story.

May I ask you some questions about love? It's getting kinda' late . . .

Wow! Is it ever! I've gotta' fly!

But, Cupid! There's more I need to know!

Maybe I'll see you again.

But … the meaning of Love!

Hey, I'll hit ya' with a few arrows on my way out. As Ol' Ed used to say, "There's nothing about love that anybody really needs to know. Just don't miss the experience!"

Happy Valentine's Day!

from

The Optimal Functioning© Institute

Developing systems to help ADDults reach their goals -- and live their dreams.

http://www.addcoach.com

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